After running JWsurvey for more than two years, the time has finally come to share my story.
Why has it taken so long? Because when I first set up this website I was still technically a Witness – constantly in fear of reprisals from my family or my local elders if my true identity was ever discovered.
Now, after much discussion and soul-searching, my wife and I have both made the decision to part ways with the organization – regardless of how our Witness family responds.
There are multiple reasons for this huge leap, the main one being that my wife is pregnant. Both of us refuse to raise our child in a religion we know to be false, or to allow any of our relatives to attempt this with the excuse that we are still Witnesses – which would be the case if we remained inactive.
Taking this stand has come at considerable cost – a cost imposed on us by Watchtower. We have yet to hand in formal letters of disassociation, but we have let our family know gradually over the last few weeks. This has resulted in a considerable backlash.
On my side of the family in particular I have been subjected to insults and character assassinations – attempts to call my motives into question and frame me as “selfish” simply for acting on my convictions, and standing up for my own beliefs.
My father (who is an elder) hasn’t been abusive, but he has reaffirmed that he will be shunning us the moment things become official. We spent a few days vacation together in picturesque Northern Croatia before I sat him down and attempted to explain my position.
After I revealed the information on the UN/NGO scandal to Dad by showing him newspaper articles from 2001, he was initially nauseous and didn’t want to hear any more. A day later he told me he refuses to hear my side of the argument, and will be shunning me once things are official. In his mind there is no contradiction that he will be spending his time trying to persuade people of other faiths to challenge their convictions, while refusing to hold his own beliefs to even the slightest scrutiny.
It has been deeply hurtful and distressing for me to witness my own father, who I deeply love, surrender his reason and common sense with so little struggle – especially with so much at stake. It is still more distressing that I am being blamed for any shunning that ensues even though these are Watchtower’s rules, not mine. After all, I am happy to have a relationship with all of my Witness relatives no matter what they believe.
The more I observe the utter refusal of certain family members to even listen to my reasons, and hold me to a decision I made when I was 11, the more obvious it is that I am escaping a manipulative cult where independent thinking is ruthlessly crushed and loved ones are considered expendable wherever loyalty to the Governing Body is concerned.
You may well ask what brought me to this stage, and how I came to doubt my beliefs in the first place? I am writing a book on this at the moment, but I will do my best to present a summary of my story in this article.
***When this article was written, I still felt the need to keep my real name secret due to concerns over my family. Since then I have decided to be open about my real name, which is Lloyd Evans, but I will continue writing under the moniker “John Cedars” since that is the name so many people know me by.***
An unconventional upbringing
I was born in Manchester, England, in 1979 and raised in Wilmslow, which used to be a quiet leafy village in the suburbs, but is now a wealthy neighborhood known for its celebrity residents – mostly footballers and their wives.
I had an upbringing in which Armageddon was very much a real event that could strike at any moment.
One evening, our family worship featured an “Armageddon drill.” My father received what turned out to be a fake phone call telling him that the Great Tribulation was upon us. My family was to hurry to join the brothers and sisters at the local kingdom hall, because we would all be heading off to Macclesfield Forest to make our escape from the authorities under Satan’s control.
I remember running upstairs and frantically stuffing various items in my rucksack, including a recently released book called Revelation – It’s Grand Climax At Hand incase I somehow needed it. In that moment I was convinced I was witnessing the end of the system of things.
It was only when I came downstairs and saw the smiles on the faces of my parents and sister that I realised the joke was on me.
I was baptized in December 1990, age 11. I remember my mother crying at my baptism. In the years that followed I did my best to make my parents proud by being an exemplary Witness youth.
My parents were not as strict as others in our congregation, so they encouraged me to go to college after high school. I studied art for two years. Even so, it wasn’t long before I felt the pull of pioneering, in no way diminished by the constant pressure from the platform for young ones to pursue full-time service as a “career.” I started regular pioneering in September 1998 – the same month that I was announced as a ministerial servant. I had just turned 19.
The following year I experienced my first “crisis of conscience” when the Daniel book (or Pay Attention To Daniel’s Prophecy) was released at the “God’s Prophetic Word” District Convention. I remember being initially very excited. I felt I would be able to relate to it more than the Revelation Climax book, which by now seemed crazy and garish to me. I took my copy of the Daniel book home and read it quickly.
As I devoured its convoluted reflections on bible prophecy, feelings of disappointment slowly overcame me. I encountered various explanations of scripture that simply did not add up. For example, how could the Roman Empire become Anglo-America in one prophecy, but become Nazi Germany (an enemy of Anglo-America) in another? Should there not be some kind of consistency in God’s inspired word?
The more I dwelled on this and other issues, the more I suspected that the Governing Body was simply making things up as they were going along – “shoe-horning” scriptures to fit historical events.
My doubts eventually came to the attention of my Presiding Overseer after my ministry partner snitched on me. He took me aside one afternoon while on field service, listened to my issues for a while, and then said: “Listen, I just want to know one thing. Do you believe in 1914, or not?”
When I said that yes, I believed in 1914, he said, “Well that’s all that matters!” – and our conversation was over. After this bizarre exchange, I pressed ahead with my progress as a Witness, but always with niggling doubts in the far reaches of my mind.
A life-changing tragedy
Then in 2001 my world collapsed when my mother died of breast cancer. I was 21 at the time. Mum first fell ill in 1999 but received treatment, including a mastectomy, which forced her cancer into remission. But it resurfaced a year later and consumed her very quickly, despite aggressive chemotherapy. On May 9th 2001, Mum’s doctor gave her three weeks to three months to live. She passed away 12 days later while we were on our final family holiday in Cornwall.
Mum’s death forced me to push any lingering doubts as far back in my mind as I possibly could and soldier on with my “career” in the organization. After all, serving Jehovah loyally was my one and only chance of being reunited with her in the resurrection. I couldn’t let her down.
When I was 22 I began applying to attend MTS (now the “Bible School for Single Brothers”). I was finally accepted at the age of 25, and attended the 29th Class in Britain at the Assembly Hall in Dudley. I was thrilled and extremely proud, not least because by going through the course I was fulfilling one of my Mum’s dying wishes.
Mum had told me in one of our final conversations that in the resurrection she wanted to see a video of my MTS graduation. She didn’t know that the filming of graduations is prohibited by the organization, but simply by going and graduating I knew I would be meeting her expectations. I would film what I could while I was there, just in case.
Attending MTS was a mostly uplifting and enjoyable experience. What I most appreciated was the camaraderie and friendships with guys my age from all over the UK and parts of Europe. It felt as though there were little or no distinctions between students who were ministerial servants (like me) and students who were elders. We were all sharing the same experience together as those seeking to learn.
During the course there were one or two moments that made me stop and ponder, such as during one class when our instructor told us to put a line through some words in one of our volumes of Insight on the Scriptures. Apparently this change was required because of “new light” since these books were published.
The words we were asked to delete can still be plainly seen on current versions of Watchtower Library. I thought to myself at the time, “If these words are so wrong that we are being asked to delete them, shouldn’t ALL Witnesses receive similar instructions for their Insight Volumes?”
After two months the class came to an end, and I graduated along with 21 others. My Dad, sister, and some of my close friends came along to what proved to be an emotional graduation ceremony. I was interviewed and asked to relate my experiences leading up to the course, including the death of my mother and the fact that I had quit my job in order to attend.
At the end of the graduation I joined my classmates in singing an acoustic rendition of “Life Without End At Last” with my guitar. The audience erupted in applause. It felt like I had reached the pinnacle of my achievements within the organization. I was determined to put my training to good use.
A year after my MTS, I flew out to Croatia for a reunion with a number of my classmates. One student, named Miroslav,* invited us to spend some time with his congregation in Sisak, about an hour’s drive south from Zagreb.
It was in Sisak that I met my future wife, who was pioneering at the time. After a few months of getting to know each other through emails and phone calls she agreed to move to the UK so that we could pursue our relationship.
Six months after her arrival I proposed to her with a cheap silver ring (all I could afford as a poor pioneer!) on a row-boat in the middle of a windswept lake in the Lake District. She accepted, although later joked that she only said “yes” because she wanted to get off the boat!
We were married in the summer of 2007 on the Croatian coast, and honeymooned in Venice, Switzerland and Paris on our drive home to the UK. On our return, we resumed pioneering together in the same congregation.
We began married life living in a small basement flat in a rough part of Stockport. The sound of police sirens screeching through the night formed the soundtrack to most of our evenings. Looking back it was an inauspicious start to our new life together, but it was all we could afford as pioneers on part-time wages. In fact we couldn’t afford even that, because we soon started to slide into debt.
The call to elderhood, and the anti-climax
In April 2008 I was thrilled to be appointed as an elder. I felt as though I could finally put my MTS training to full use, and take a more active role in helping people. I already loved giving talks, but it was the shepherding side that I was really looking forward to. I was anxious to help people with their problems in any way I could.
But it wasn’t long before reality started to sink in, and I began to see what being an elder was really all about. I soon discovered that elder bodies are intensely political, easily manipulated by strong personalities, and that elders are most definitely not appointed by holy spirit as Watchtower so often claims.
Our congregation had a particularly thuggish Presiding Overseer (now known as a Coordinator) who seemed to delight in bullying the brothers and making their lives miserable. He would think nothing of counselling a brother who bought a new Range Rover on being too materialistic, or imposing arbitrary rules on a teenage boy not to socialize with a young sister he liked.
When I did my best to correct this bully elder’s overbearing behavior in the only way I could think of, I was chastised for going about it in the wrong manner. I was kept as an elder, but stripped of certain privileges, including my pioneer status.
My wife also had her pioneer status removed at this time, even though she had nothing to do with my elder issues. I was told that, since both of us had been failing to meet our hour requirement, I was to break the news to my wife that she too was no longer a pioneer.
And so, after eight years of selfless full-time service for the organization in two different countries, my wife was unceremoniously sacked as a pioneer through her husband without so much as a “thank you.”
My lowest point
But these troubles were soon to pale into insignificance when my wife made a heartbreaking discovery. She learned that, though I hadn’t cheated on her, I had been fraternizing with girls on the internet in ways that I shouldn’t have done as a married man. I had a big issue with cyber sex and pornography, which I had developed as a teenager, and which remained with me even into my marriage.
I am not proud of my actions, and to this day I grimace at what I put my wife through. She has never been anything but loyal and loving, and it saddens me that I hurt her by betraying her trust so early in our marriage.
I also feel it was hypocritical of me to accept an appointment as an elder with the aim of helping others and offering spiritual guidance when I had so many issues of my own to contend with. I was living a double life and being dishonest with people.
Even so, I can’t help but consider these actions to be very much a by-product of sexual repression in my formative years. In particular, I think of the difficulties I had in finding a marriage partner from a narrow pool of Witness girls, and the unscriptural Watchtower injunctions designed to induce guilt over masturbation.
Of course, I accept responsibility for my actions and I do not blame Watchtower for everything. After all, plenty of Witnesses seem to develop into well-balanced adults without these problems.
But my wife and I both now realise that sexual repression in my upbringing was a major factor. It forced me into finding ways of satisfying my natural sexual urges as a virgin without intercourse so as to remain “morally clean,” and this led to an unhealthy dependency on the internet and pornography.
Once my wife discovered my problem we had a number of emotional exchanges. Decisions needed to be made. My first instinct was to sweep things under the rug and work things out between us, but in the end I decided to stand down as an elder and move back to the congregation I had grown up in to receive discipline.
Apart from anything else I knew I wouldn’t get a fair trial from the bully elder, who would doubtless want to make sure I suffered further for daring to question him. This matter involved my wife and I, and not him – so I chose to receive my punishment from elders I felt I could rely on to be impartial.
I wrote an exhaustive confession in a letter and posted it through the letter box of my new Coordinator. Before long I was summoned to a Judicial Committee and made to relive everything I had done in excruciating detail, despite my signed confession which had already explained everything.
At one point I remember being reduced to tears. By the end of it all, it was decided that I should be reproved and not disfellowshipped. However, my reproof was to be publicly announced both in my new and former congregations to make it clear that I had done wrong during my time as an elder.
A fresh start
Around this time my wife and I agreed that we needed a fresh start, so we decided to move to live with her parents in Croatia. Our years spent pioneering had left us with very little money and a mountain of debt, but we at least had an opportunity to build an apartment for ourselves without worrying about rent or mortgage payments.
And so we packed up our belongings and made the move across Europe to Croatia in the summer of 2009. At the time I recall being determined to restore my spirituality, and maybe even work my way back to serving as an elder again eventually.
For the first few months in my new congregation I continued under the restrictions from my reproof in the UK, meaning that I couldn’t answer up at meetings or participate in any talks on the Theocratic Ministry School.
I was reduced to being a mere observer at meetings that I could scarcely understand due to the language barrier. I knew a few words of Croatian, but certainly not enough to follow closely what was being said.
Before long, something unexpected happened. My identity as a Witness disintegrated as I could feel myself being unplugged from the indoctrination. For the first time I began to ask myself, “What do I truly believe?”
I recalled my doubts about the Daniel book from when I was 20. I found I was able to add a number of other issues and teachings that I could no longer agree with. Eventually I sat down and wrote a list of nine “grievances.” When I looked at the list, it was obvious to me that I was now only a Witness in name only. There were just too many things wrong with the organization for it to be the “truth.”
Eventually my restrictions were lifted and I began giving Bible readings in Croatian on the school meetings. Elders would give me encouragement, leaving me with the impression that I would be re-appointed before too long if I just put forth a little effort. But by this time it was too late. I was already waking up.
Then one day in May 2011, after pouring out my feelings to my wife, I decided to declare myself inactive. I felt I needed to let my Dad know of my decision by telephone. I recall him being heartbroken. I broke down in tears once I had finished talking to him. No son relishes the idea of being viewed as a failure by his father.
I wrote a letter to my elders briefly explaining my reasons for being inactive. In hindsight, I realise that my elders could have very easily taken this as a letter of disassociation and severed me from the organization there and then, but for some reason they didn’t want to do this. At least, not to begin with.
Stalling the inquisition
Two elders visited and we had a long and tearful discussion. I explained that I would still be attending memorials each year (to keep my family happy, in my mind) but that I could no longer go preaching when I had so many doubts. They chose to respect this, so I assumed that would be the end of it.
Around this time a new elder joined our congregation from Zagreb bethel, and he soon learned of my inactivity. He decided he didn’t like the way things had been handled, and convinced himself that there must be more to my decision than I was letting on.
This elder pulled my wife to one side at the end of one meeting and interrogated her in the back room, asking questions about my behavior and quizzing her as to our business affairs. My wife and I run a small business, and he and others had come up with a theory that I was staying on as a Witness just so I could exploit Witnesses when handing out work.
All of this happened at roughly the time I finished reading Crisis of Conscience and learned of the 1980 witch hunt against the likes of Raymond Franz and Nestor Kuilan. It felt very much like my elders had me in their sights in the same way, and were determined to disfellowship me on any pretext – real or imagined. All they needed now was a chance to grill me for information having failed to get anything from my wife.
I received a phone call from an elder asking to arrange a visit, but I told him in no uncertain terms that they had broken the rules by interrogating my wife without me being present, and I would therefore not be cooperating with any attempts to offer me “help” until I received a full apology.
Predictably the apology never came, and I was finally left alone. If there was one thing I knew I could rely on, it was the pride of elders and their tendency to deny doing anything wrong. This uneasy stand-off gave me the freedom I needed to explore my new reality without being immediately separated from my family.
The birth of JWsurvey
As things settled and I grew accustomed to my new life as a “fader” I continued to trawl the internet for information. JWfacts.com in particular was a real eye-opener. It was on Paul Grundy’s site that I learned of the UN/NGO scandal, Rutherford’s letter to Hitler, and the Mexico/Malawi scandal. Barbara Anderson’s website also informed me on the complexities of the child abuse issue, and how Watchtower is causing real harm in that regard. Everything began to fall into place.
The more I learned, the more I wanted to share. I was also curious as to how many others like me were out there. I began thinking of ways to poll such ones for their opinions so that people could see at a glance what the consensus was among thinking Witnesses.
Then one day I proposed setting up a survey of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and I began experimenting with ways of making this a reality. I thought it would cost a lot of money to set up, but an Ex-JW web developer and writer called John Hoyle came to my rescue completely out of the blue. He contacted me and essentially said, “If you want I can build you a website that can host your survey, and you won’t need to pay me anything for it.”
At first I thought it was impossible for a complete stranger to be so kind and make such an offer with no thought of payment, but I figured I had nothing to lose in accepting. Before long, JWsurvey.org was launched. The rest, as they say, is history.
A reason to take a stand
Fast forward two years or so, and yesterday I found myself attending a hospital appointment with my wife, who is three months into her pregnancy. This was our first opportunity to see our first baby in the womb by means of an ultrasound.
As the grainy images came up on the screen, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I could see our baby’s heart pumping in its chest. I could see its legs folded buddha-like beneath it. I could even see its fingers as its hands were raised almost covering its alien-like face.
The thought occurred to me, “I will love this person unconditionally its whole life, no matter what it thinks, says or does. I will never allow myself to be separated from it, no matter what happens.”
Unlike me, this child will be taught only proven facts – not religious dogma designed to reinforce the unquestioned control of an elite group of deluded theocrats who insulate themselves from even the mildest criticism.
There will be no “Armageddon drills.” There will be no fear, guilt, or paranoia. There will be only love and acceptance. My child will have all the opportunities I never had as a youngster – including the chance to build a life for itself doing and believing whatever it chooses, with my support.
Yes, my Witness family is bitterly disappointed in me. Yes, they view me as a traitor. But there is nothing I can do about that other than to build my own family, free of such rifts and divisions. Though this is proving traumatic for me, I cannot live the rest of my life bending over backwards to conform to the expectations of my indoctrinated forebears.
They may prefer for me to remain inactive, trapped in some sadistic vow of silence so that the mother organization can continue to wreak havoc undisturbed. But I refuse to tacitly bend my knee to Watchtower for a moment longer. A stand must be taken. A line must be drawn.
After all these articles it is high time for me to talk with my feet – especially with my child’s future at stake. Yes, fading is a great option if you can stay quiet and pull it off, and I support those who handle matters in that way. But if you are an activist like myself with something to say about Watchtower and the means to say it, you will find it increasingly difficult to keep it going for too long before something has to give.
The journey continues
I know many of you reading my story will be disappointed at my personal failings, but please understand that I am only human and never set myself up as a role model or spiritual guru for anyone. I am interested only in exposing the scandals and falsehoods of an organization that claims to represent God as honestly and journalistically as possible.
I have not the faintest interest in drawing off followers, preaching alternative doctrines or telling people how to live their lives. I am interested only in revealing the truth about Watchtower, and I feel my experiences within the organization, both good and bad, put me in a great position to do this.
Nothing I write should be considered as beyond question – in fact I am happy to receive criticisms and make changes to articles if needed. I am committed to using my energies to join with other more seasoned campaigners in informing the world about what I view as a damaging cult, which I see tearing my own family apart and threatening countless others.
To all those who have sent messages of support and solidarity over the past few days via Facebook and email, I give my heartfelt gratitude. It is not easy to make this stand. I have shed more than a few tears, but I know what I am doing is right.
By going through this pain now I am sparing future generations from the same problems. I want to give my child a life free from fear and indoctrination, with the opportunity to explore this amazing thing called life without the shackles of ignorance and servitude. I can think of no finer legacy to pass on.
*Miroslav has recently been disfellowshipped for apostasy. On his facebook profile, he identifies himself as a follower of the Bible Students.
Translations: Romanian | …
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Loads of thinkers here in Cape Town !! Hey Shoo Wow!
Dear John, arent we all still very young and isnt our journey amazing! Imagine what still awaits us if we are ready for it.
For me, years have gone trying to do it the JW way. Years without belief followed. Got a proper education and met my wife, a good job…
I finally was kind of found and started to realize how dependent I am and that even faith is a gift of love by God. I do not to hate anymore, but I try to love. I am freed not to be slave to sin anymore but to be holy.
There is no void in our mind and heart. Escape from one oppression often makes people slide into another one. For the better or the worse. If someone escapes the WT org to become a drug addict, the latter state is worse. I suggest all readers to consider the freedom of the glory of the children of God as an alternative in this very brief life. God attaches a promise of endless life to this, but its just an offer and everyone is free to choose.
Finally, I consider that we are all involved in a very serious business when counseling others and I want to compliment you John, and others for not starting yet another cult. God bless
Many congratulations on the pregnancy Cedars. Well done with your work. Your picture was a shock lol, I thought you were much much older!
Loz x
Congratulations. It takes a lot of courage but you take the right decision. Best wishes.
I couldn’t help but become overwhelmed with tears reading your story. I have always felt great admiration for your writings and ability to view things from a balanced mind, forgoing emotion and focusing on logic of each subject you write about. I wanted to congratulate you on becoming a father. If you think that ultrasound was life changing just wait until you hold that little darling in your arms. It really does change you. I have two boys, ages 10 and 14. My husband and I decided we weren’t going to raise them with religion but felt it was important to allow them to chose for themselves if they believed in god or not. My husband is an atheist while I’m more like a deist. We have been careful to make sure to teach them what we know of science and how humans came to be on this planet. Teaching the real truth was important to us. My 14 year old considers himself an atheist and my 10 year old believes in god but hasn’t filled in any big pieces yet. It has been difficult for my boys, not having family. My heart breaks for them and their inability to have grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins as every child should have. We have surrounded them with good friends though and taught them that family doesn’t always mean blood. Some of our most beloved family members are people we have met along our journey. It does amaze me how my parents can be so cruel. Recently my oldest son received a phone call from my mother telling him that she could no longer talk to him because he was not a JW. This sent him into an emotional spiral and he became suicidal. He spent a week in the psych ward and now must take anti-psychotics in order to be functional. What’s worse is even more recently my mother claims she never made that phone call and would never say such things. I was there though and while I couldn’t hear what my mother was saying I could hear my son and see his reaction. My oldest son wants to connect so badly with my parents. He has told me that maybe if we love grandma and grandpa enough they will love us back. My younger son hates my parents for all the hurt they have caused me and his brother and won’t give them the time of day. My mother sometimes sends notes in the mail with money or gifts, my younger son will not read the notes but is always willing to take the gifts. This part of raising a child is very hard and I want you to know it will probably be part of your future. Overall, my children have a normal idealistic life. We have become heinously pagan and celebrate the holidays and I am able to watch my children enjoy each of them and birthdays too.They participate in sports and other outside extra curricular activities, ones I never got the chance to do. Watching them grow has been a joy, one you and your wife will find joyous as well. You will be glad that you did not subject this child to what we endured with the pressure and guilt so often used by JWs. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story and your face. I know this has been a difficult patch for you but I believe you will not regret it. Good luck and sending love from my heart to the three of you in hopes that the pregnancy and delivery are normal and healthy!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am in a very similar situation. I have just now began to wake up as of one month ago. I’ve always had doubts but the annual meeting was the last straw for me. The veneration of the GB I saw bordered on idolatry. The sister beside me got worked into tears when the bible was announced! Ugh.
My father who is also an elder calls bethel “mama” and says the GB is the “top”. Aside from the embarrassment that a grown man would refer to eight other grown men in this way, doesn’t anyone else see what is happening? We are following men when we should be following Christ! I found jwfacts at that very moment; while still at the meeting!
Everything clicked into place at that moment. I was finally able to articulate what my issue with this organization was. I have since begun my fade.
While my wife disagrees with a lot of what wbts says she still thinks our children will need religion. I think they just need Christ and the Holy Spirit. My parents are completely indoctrinated. So in a sense I’m all alone.
Christ and I have a long road ahead and it really builds me up to see someone else taking those first steps ahead of me.
Again thank you and God Bless.
sister ! :)
Hi Cedars, I respect a lot what you have been doing with this website, and now this big step that you took, man that takes a lot of courage. And now you became a good example to anyone in the organization having doubts.
I know your family or friends that are Witnesses will say again that you are weak (it happened to me) but it really is the other way around in my opinion, being able to question things its a Human Trait, not a disease.
I was too born and raised in the jw’s, but thankfully never got baptized. I got the luck of not being shunned, but there´s always some stink around you… You know what i mean.
Anyways, congratulations i hope everything goes well with your wife’s pregnancy. Question Everything.
Lovely story…look forward to your book and congrats on your child…your story is similar to mine and no doubt others but you have shown courage by doing this…your site is very valuable to faders and lurkers…please continue!
Amazing story.. You have truly helped a lot of them. Its impossible to reverse witness the family, as i tried to do so and failed. But glad that we have such concrete evidences posted by you and the rest to show what really is the Borg made up of. Congrats and all the best!
Hi Africaine! I’m so glad to hear of another SA “thinker” – I was feeling kinda lonely jy weet?! I live in KZN now but originally from Jhb (Germiston area). Isn’t this wonderful news about a little Cedars!
Cedars, for starters i personally dont view harshly your “failings”. No ones pefect. And your story is uplifting. I have two beautiful daughters of my own…and i have those same unconditional loving instincts. I want my daughters to be who they are! I find myself imagining (as im sure you do) teaching my girls about science and wisdom, and to think freely. Yes i will read the Bible and teach them about Christ, but never like a JW parent is taught to rule over them with an iron sceptor. I am at a stage in my life where i find it increasingly difficult to shut up about what i feel is right. My life and my familys life is at stake. I have to speak up but i dont know how to , or when to. Your story helps a lot and i appreciate every bit of it. And thanks for not leaving out some of the gritty details that you may have had trouble posting.
Hope all goes well for you and your new family!
–Archer–
Thank you for sharing your personal story. It is good to see the outpouring of support from your friends here on JWSurvey. I have learned a lot from you over the last few months.
Here is an ironic twist. The birth of our first child, made me return to my “Bible” study with the JW’s. That went on for another 2+ years, before we discovered the true nature of this organization. When we began to ask questions that were not quoted in the paragraphs, our teacher turned on us and threw death threats at my husband (when they were alone, so no 2nd witness to that either!)
Congratulations on your new life, and the true beginning of your family! Life will never be the same.
Thanks for all you do. Your work here is a blessing to many.
Cedars,
It is hard to make the stand that you have; you will be blessed and congratulations on the upcoming arrival of your child!
I have read many of your articles and also have read many other articles and books such as Crisis of Conscience. The story of those faithful anointed ones is far deeper than anything the Watchtower portrays as you may guess. Please consider this faithful anointed one’s articles (if you haven’t already) for further spiritual enlightenment. Once you have broken the “yoke of slavery”, the door to spiritual truth swings open once shunning is in place.
[evangelical link removed]
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I’ve removed your link as per our posting guidelines, but I am grateful to you for your sentiments and good intentions.
Wow! The comments are longer than the articles. You have made a new circle of friends now Cedars and Mrs Cedars, and baby Cedars. I am going to declare my position soon.
Thanks for doing it first
70wks
Congratulations Cedars!!!! Enjoy your new FREEDOM. You have been a true inspiration to me and many others. I have also been going through a difficult time lately. My husband knows that I have left the organization but I haven’t had the courage to tell my inlaws yet. I have been “inactive” for the past 7 months along with my two young children. My daughter is 10 and my son is 7. I haven’t been able to summon up the courage to talk to my father in law and sister in laws because I know that they will not take the news of “my leaving” well. I fear that they may pressure my husband into getting our children back to the meetings. I know I have to be strong because I know I can’t live a lie any longer. Your story has given me the strength I need to stand up for what is right. I have to believe my children will see that “TRUTH” and “FREEDOM” is always worth fighting for.
Thank you Cedars for sharing your story and for always living your life with integrity and class. Congrats to you and your wife on your new baby. I wish you all the happiness life can bring you.
Oh, I totally understand why you had to remove it, thanks for your kind comments also. I raised three boys around your age in the organization – when they left, they left most of their spiritual selves behind also. They failed to keep searching, I hope you don’t do the same. Christ wasn’t kidding when he said you will find rest for your soul by learning from him.
Good life to you!
Cedar, I know it’s hard what you did. Congrats Cedar and I appreciate the good work that you do.
Thanks.
El Katire
Welcome to a wonderful new chapter in your life, Cedars! I truly am sorry for how your family is treating you, we can only hope that one day, they come to the same conclusions we all have. But in the meantime, you and your lovely wife can get on with your life, not having to look over your shoulder at every moment. You are the first exJW I talked to after I made my decision to leave, I found you kind and compassionate, and I can see by the comments here that you have touched many hearts. You’ve made such a difference to the exJW community while under cover, I can’t wait to see what you do now! Much love to you and your growing family! Love, Isabella
My nephew and his wife made the same decision for the same reason. ‘We could handle the fade, but our children will suffer and live the same life we lived as JW’s’. So, they made the break, and broke the cycle. Good luck to your family. Happiness awaits you as it’s happened to them!
John Congrats on you and your family’s new found freedom. The weight is off and your mind will think ever clearer with logic and reason that will bring you progressions of life in all area’s of your life. Perhaps one day many more will realize why they stay even though they know in their gut they shouldn’t. It’s so true what you said ” Though this is proving traumatic for me, I cannot live the rest of my life bending over backwards to conform to the expectations of my indoctrinated forebears” As one of the basic laws of Psychology is “Expectations leads to disappointments” I feel this is the KEY reason people stay in it. We try to please everyone else expect us because it gives us power in a unhealthy way because we were not receiving our self esteem in a normal upbringing. So it goes with many who please others in order to not rock the boat and half heartedly go along. Let me throw some names out there. Ernest Beaver aka Armageddon Ernie ,Wilf Guch,Douglas Beaver,James Candido all related to me with the last name being my uncle. So I have a extensive history of some VIP’S if you will in my Family and am happy to report that my 3 children born and raised JW are almost all 3 out of that religion. My son the oldest said a number of years ago that the internet would take down the Watchtower Society and it’s Horrific practice’s in time. He now works for the x Cio of Google who was so instrumental in helping people find information and gain knowledge like never before. I am so happy my son saw the short comings early on by the society and went to college to gain a masters degree. He leads a simple life full of love from his wife and newborn son. Like yourself he will absolutely make sure his children are free thinkers and not be bound by any cult type religions. He and you will love your children unconditionally always. My Dad was a Elder and I was disfellowshiped and was out of contact for 20yrs then he started to really fade away and took me back into his life. My Mom used to say ” This religion has does nothing but destroy our family” So you never know down the road when your Dad will wake up and realize what he is missing out on especially after your new child arrives. I hope the best for you and your family and know it’s only the beginning of a better life ahead. AS always TY for your sincere posts.
P.S masturbation does not lead to homosexuality as 95 percent of all males do it. Besides the human race would be gone if it was true by what the Governing Body Said. lol
Truthbeknown: I appreciated your comment; I would love to hear more of your story.
Cedars you and your wife are to be commended for your love of God and neighbour. The Watchtower trained you to analyse other religions, so you have used that skill to analyse the Watchtower. Now they call you an apostate.
What they can not take away from you or your wife is your love of God and your neighbour.
The Watchtower will be dissolved in time, it is subject to corporation law. Christs kingdom is not subject to corporation law. Never has and never will be.
Enjoy your new family, a son or daughter is the most wonderful gift.
a real mistake..in this time get out of watchtower
Great article , I have been tied to the group since 1969 when my wife answered the door while as a work, since that time mental health issues, lies, family problems, more mental health issues the big 1975 the world is going to end . There were school problems ,family problems ,more lies church Elder threats against me divorce papers while wife in mental hospital on on and on.
So many on this thread, including Cedars himself, continued as nominal JWs for some time after they ceased to believe. How statistically significant is this? Just how many in the published numbers flashed about in JW mags., as evidence of ‘the fastest growing religion’, are in fact non believers?
Thank you for sharing your story! Like you I recently d’fd myself after some years of fading. We must eventually get to that point where it finally seems right to end all association with the society even though it means our family shun us. I was a jw most of my life, it’s been quite an emotional journey to extricate myself and feel I’ve woken up from a dream into reality and I love it. I wish you and your wife all the best and congrats on your baby.
“Just how many in the published numbers flashed about in JW mags., as evidence of ‘the fastest growing religion’, are in fact non believers?”
Of the actual 4-5 million and falling daily as opposed to the Watchtower’s phony propaganda figure of “8 million active Jehovah’s Witnesses”, The real questions might be more diverse such as:
1.How many are conscious or even aware, informed but in fear of reality and the prospect that it holds?
2.How many are too scared to leave due to inculcation and indoctrination or institutionalization? Fear of Divine disapproval, reprisal and punishment etc…
3.How many are afraid of familial disconnect or disapproval and shunning?
4.How many could care less about spiritual interests but are in positions of comfort and social status and authority? (Social club)
5.How many continue on believing the “Where shall I go” applies to an earthly organization of men? Which never even existed in any form except a disapproved Jewish system that was about to be destroyed when Jesus spoke those words and he was clearly talking about, “The sayings that bring everlasting life” and not a 100+ year old cruel, criminal and devastating cult organization built on nothing but lies and deceit…
“…when Jesus spoke those words and he was clearly talking about, “The sayings that bring everlasting life” ”
Yes, I know it was Simon Peter who said it to Jesus but I got caught up in the gust of typing…you all get the point!
K2Rad – #4 for many because as someone noted, the “mind-opened” and bright minds are diverted away from nurturing and growing their innate talents thus robbing them of any sense of self-esteem and achievement. The org thus becomes their locus for not only social needs but also actualization needs.
Cedars, I have also gone through the process of analyzing my belief system as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses and have been disassociated for over 5 years now.
I have lost association with all those I had called friends as well as my family, except for my wife and children so I can emphasize with you very much.
But the pursuit of truth, in my mind is worth the pain of being cut of from all those that I have ever known in the organization.
I cannot tolerate untruth and falsehood and hypocrisy which I have found existed within the organization of Jehovah’s Witnesses and indeed among many Christian religions and some more than others.
But I have also come across some genuine people within the organization who have a genuine love for people, but unfortunately their love is choked up by the organization that they are part of and that dictates to them who they should show love to and who they should ostracize.
In a genuine Christian life, the reality of the Kingdom of God should be a priority because indeed it has the power to change the world and make it into a beautiful place to live in, both physically and spiritually, a veritable paradise, and not the presumed paradise that the Watchtower Society constantly try to convince their members to believe that they are in.
Glad to read your story. You are a very good writer and articulate as well.
I had to tell you congratulations on your baby! My children are the catalyst behind my final decision as well.
Please accept a small point of observation on what was considered your indiscretion. Human sexuality is what has perpetuated humanity. There are two types of men, those who have masturbated and those who lie about it. Your integrity to your beliefs, far exceed the integrity of the men who heard your case. I sat on a comittee with 2 other men who were determined to disfellowship a man who viewed pornography and was caught by his wife. I opposed them and they were angry with me. I found out less than a year later that both of them had a “problem” with pornography. One of them felt so much guilt that he was on medication and revealed to me that he heard voices at the Kingdom Hall. I went on a campaign of uncovering how many elders masturbated and viewed or had viewed pornography by confronting them one by one. Not ONE of them would deny that they had done it. That is right, NOT ONE. How many of them sat on comittees and disfellowshipped others for the same thing, ALL of them! I was done! I never went back.
I would like to offer you a brotherly (not witness brotherly) unhypocritical observation. What you and your wife do or don’t do in the privacy of your own home is your business. NO ONE has the right nor the obligation to regulate the meals you eat, nor your sexuality. That is a matter only for the two of you. I say this not to question your journalist integrity and beautiful honesty, but hopefully so you will know it was the elders, not you, nor your wife that was out of bounds. There was never a reason to publicly try to shame you other than for control. You have no reason to feel shame nor guilt for being human, a human capable of failure and something as beautiful as a child with your dear wife. The amazing things you are capable of, as well as the failures are all you, never have I appreciated that more than when we had our children. When they fail you want to see them get back up. They need to go on, whole, happy and ready to embrace each new day without the thought of yesterdays failures looming over them. You will see soon our friend, that what you so desparately want for your children, they desparately want for you.
We wish you happiness and joy as this wonderful occasion arises! Best wishes to you and thanks for your website!
Parabéns Cedars, acompanho sempre que posso os seus escritos e sua história é realmente emocionante e que a empresa dos tjs seja desmascarada a cada dia!
Congratulations Cedars!
For your wife and your baby.
And for all your decisions. (I can see no personal failure in your story!)
And thanks a lot for this website. I’m selfish enough to hope that you will have time to go on with it after your baby will be born. It has become the most important website of its topic.
All the best to you and your family!
Well done, Cedars! You finally made it and surely have lifted the burden from your conscience and heart of being affiliated with Watchtower. You are a freed man in every sense now. You’ve stood up for yourself and your beliefs. Thank the powers that be for allowing the experiences within the congregations of JW to jolt you to wake up. And what more of a noble cause to do it for then your own children. Well done, well done!
Parabéns pela coragem, irmão Cedar (Carlos Jerrad). Será que eu terei tão grande coragem um dia? Se eu não perder minha esposa, como o irmão não perdeu a sua, então é certo que a coragem vem.
Apóstolo TDS
Yours is such a common story shared by many in that religion. I say really where is the love in it if their ready to throw you out in a moments notice if you disagree with a false teaching they adhere too. its a billion dollar a year enterprise hiding behind a tax exemption. The many family lives that have been destroyed by this brainwashing cult is unbelievable. All in the name of God? No all in the name of the Watchtower!
Hi Cedars
I’ve been free of WT mind control – but technically a ‘fader’, for nearly 25 years. I’ve considered formal disassociation often, but always come to the conclusion that it’s somehow playing into the hands of the Organisation i.e., playing by their rules, and thereby forcing the hands of my still-JW family into formal shunning.
But reading your brave and considered stance makes me wonder whether I’m just being a coward…
Anyway, thank you for what you put into this site – it’s of great worth, and often the first site I visit everyday.
Guy, UK – Survivor of the other ‘little-red-book’ that blighted so many young lives back in the 70’s–‘Your Youth – Getting the Best out of it’ – a titular irony presumably lost by its octogenarian authors in Brooklyn.
Thanks for sharing your story :) reading it made me realize that many witnesses are in a prison that they cannot break out of! It takes a lot of courage and strength to tell your story! There are many who would never dare spill their flaws and secrets!
Thanks so much for this website! It truly opened my eyes and made me realize just how fake this organization truly is! It’s unfortunate that the few people I do know are so sucked into the supposed love and support and will never leave or at least realize the truth! It’s truly terrible! But then again they are the ones trapped and obviously cannot get themselves out!
Congrats on becoming a Dad! It truly is an amazing experience! I have 4 and I can’t tell you how much it’s changed my life!!!
All the best! Oh and thanks for the link to Crisis of Concsious. I had asked about it year ago when I had decided to do research!
Congratulations Cedars! For your Baby of course, and for all your decisions! I read your story twice, looking for the »personal failings« you mentioned, but I couldn’t find them!
And thanks a lot for your courage and your work! Your website has become a center for all the people, who are – for what reason ever – interested in the doctrine of the Watchtower Society. I’m selfish enough to hope that you will have time to go on with it after your baby ist born.