After running JWsurvey for more than two years, the time has finally come to share my story.
Why has it taken so long? Because when I first set up this website I was still technically a Witness – constantly in fear of reprisals from my family or my local elders if my true identity was ever discovered.
Now, after much discussion and soul-searching, my wife and I have both made the decision to part ways with the organization – regardless of how our Witness family responds.
There are multiple reasons for this huge leap, the main one being that my wife is pregnant. Both of us refuse to raise our child in a religion we know to be false, or to allow any of our relatives to attempt this with the excuse that we are still Witnesses – which would be the case if we remained inactive.
Taking this stand has come at considerable cost – a cost imposed on us by Watchtower. We have yet to hand in formal letters of disassociation, but we have let our family know gradually over the last few weeks. This has resulted in a considerable backlash.
On my side of the family in particular I have been subjected to insults and character assassinations – attempts to call my motives into question and frame me as “selfish” simply for acting on my convictions, and standing up for my own beliefs.
My father (who is an elder) hasn’t been abusive, but he has reaffirmed that he will be shunning us the moment things become official. We spent a few days vacation together in picturesque Northern Croatia before I sat him down and attempted to explain my position.
After I revealed the information on the UN/NGO scandal to Dad by showing him newspaper articles from 2001, he was initially nauseous and didn’t want to hear any more. A day later he told me he refuses to hear my side of the argument, and will be shunning me once things are official. In his mind there is no contradiction that he will be spending his time trying to persuade people of other faiths to challenge their convictions, while refusing to hold his own beliefs to even the slightest scrutiny.
It has been deeply hurtful and distressing for me to witness my own father, who I deeply love, surrender his reason and common sense with so little struggle – especially with so much at stake. It is still more distressing that I am being blamed for any shunning that ensues even though these are Watchtower’s rules, not mine. After all, I am happy to have a relationship with all of my Witness relatives no matter what they believe.
The more I observe the utter refusal of certain family members to even listen to my reasons, and hold me to a decision I made when I was 11, the more obvious it is that I am escaping a manipulative cult where independent thinking is ruthlessly crushed and loved ones are considered expendable wherever loyalty to the Governing Body is concerned.
You may well ask what brought me to this stage, and how I came to doubt my beliefs in the first place? I am writing a book on this at the moment, but I will do my best to present a summary of my story in this article.
***When this article was written, I still felt the need to keep my real name secret due to concerns over my family. Since then I have decided to be open about my real name, which is Lloyd Evans, but I will continue writing under the moniker “John Cedars” since that is the name so many people know me by.***
An unconventional upbringing
I was born in Manchester, England, in 1979 and raised in Wilmslow, which used to be a quiet leafy village in the suburbs, but is now a wealthy neighborhood known for its celebrity residents – mostly footballers and their wives.
I had an upbringing in which Armageddon was very much a real event that could strike at any moment.
One evening, our family worship featured an “Armageddon drill.” My father received what turned out to be a fake phone call telling him that the Great Tribulation was upon us. My family was to hurry to join the brothers and sisters at the local kingdom hall, because we would all be heading off to Macclesfield Forest to make our escape from the authorities under Satan’s control.
I remember running upstairs and frantically stuffing various items in my rucksack, including a recently released book called Revelation – It’s Grand Climax At Hand incase I somehow needed it. In that moment I was convinced I was witnessing the end of the system of things.
It was only when I came downstairs and saw the smiles on the faces of my parents and sister that I realised the joke was on me.
I was baptized in December 1990, age 11. I remember my mother crying at my baptism. In the years that followed I did my best to make my parents proud by being an exemplary Witness youth.
My parents were not as strict as others in our congregation, so they encouraged me to go to college after high school. I studied art for two years. Even so, it wasn’t long before I felt the pull of pioneering, in no way diminished by the constant pressure from the platform for young ones to pursue full-time service as a “career.” I started regular pioneering in September 1998 – the same month that I was announced as a ministerial servant. I had just turned 19.
The following year I experienced my first “crisis of conscience” when the Daniel book (or Pay Attention To Daniel’s Prophecy) was released at the “God’s Prophetic Word” District Convention. I remember being initially very excited. I felt I would be able to relate to it more than the Revelation Climax book, which by now seemed crazy and garish to me. I took my copy of the Daniel book home and read it quickly.
As I devoured its convoluted reflections on bible prophecy, feelings of disappointment slowly overcame me. I encountered various explanations of scripture that simply did not add up. For example, how could the Roman Empire become Anglo-America in one prophecy, but become Nazi Germany (an enemy of Anglo-America) in another? Should there not be some kind of consistency in God’s inspired word?
The more I dwelled on this and other issues, the more I suspected that the Governing Body was simply making things up as they were going along – “shoe-horning” scriptures to fit historical events.
My doubts eventually came to the attention of my Presiding Overseer after my ministry partner snitched on me. He took me aside one afternoon while on field service, listened to my issues for a while, and then said: “Listen, I just want to know one thing. Do you believe in 1914, or not?”
When I said that yes, I believed in 1914, he said, “Well that’s all that matters!” – and our conversation was over. After this bizarre exchange, I pressed ahead with my progress as a Witness, but always with niggling doubts in the far reaches of my mind.
A life-changing tragedy
Then in 2001 my world collapsed when my mother died of breast cancer. I was 21 at the time. Mum first fell ill in 1999 but received treatment, including a mastectomy, which forced her cancer into remission. But it resurfaced a year later and consumed her very quickly, despite aggressive chemotherapy. On May 9th 2001, Mum’s doctor gave her three weeks to three months to live. She passed away 12 days later while we were on our final family holiday in Cornwall.
Mum’s death forced me to push any lingering doubts as far back in my mind as I possibly could and soldier on with my “career” in the organization. After all, serving Jehovah loyally was my one and only chance of being reunited with her in the resurrection. I couldn’t let her down.
When I was 22 I began applying to attend MTS (now the “Bible School for Single Brothers”). I was finally accepted at the age of 25, and attended the 29th Class in Britain at the Assembly Hall in Dudley. I was thrilled and extremely proud, not least because by going through the course I was fulfilling one of my Mum’s dying wishes.
Mum had told me in one of our final conversations that in the resurrection she wanted to see a video of my MTS graduation. She didn’t know that the filming of graduations is prohibited by the organization, but simply by going and graduating I knew I would be meeting her expectations. I would film what I could while I was there, just in case.
Attending MTS was a mostly uplifting and enjoyable experience. What I most appreciated was the camaraderie and friendships with guys my age from all over the UK and parts of Europe. It felt as though there were little or no distinctions between students who were ministerial servants (like me) and students who were elders. We were all sharing the same experience together as those seeking to learn.
During the course there were one or two moments that made me stop and ponder, such as during one class when our instructor told us to put a line through some words in one of our volumes of Insight on the Scriptures. Apparently this change was required because of “new light” since these books were published.
The words we were asked to delete can still be plainly seen on current versions of Watchtower Library. I thought to myself at the time, “If these words are so wrong that we are being asked to delete them, shouldn’t ALL Witnesses receive similar instructions for their Insight Volumes?”
After two months the class came to an end, and I graduated along with 21 others. My Dad, sister, and some of my close friends came along to what proved to be an emotional graduation ceremony. I was interviewed and asked to relate my experiences leading up to the course, including the death of my mother and the fact that I had quit my job in order to attend.
At the end of the graduation I joined my classmates in singing an acoustic rendition of “Life Without End At Last” with my guitar. The audience erupted in applause. It felt like I had reached the pinnacle of my achievements within the organization. I was determined to put my training to good use.
A year after my MTS, I flew out to Croatia for a reunion with a number of my classmates. One student, named Miroslav,* invited us to spend some time with his congregation in Sisak, about an hour’s drive south from Zagreb.
It was in Sisak that I met my future wife, who was pioneering at the time. After a few months of getting to know each other through emails and phone calls she agreed to move to the UK so that we could pursue our relationship.
Six months after her arrival I proposed to her with a cheap silver ring (all I could afford as a poor pioneer!) on a row-boat in the middle of a windswept lake in the Lake District. She accepted, although later joked that she only said “yes” because she wanted to get off the boat!
We were married in the summer of 2007 on the Croatian coast, and honeymooned in Venice, Switzerland and Paris on our drive home to the UK. On our return, we resumed pioneering together in the same congregation.
We began married life living in a small basement flat in a rough part of Stockport. The sound of police sirens screeching through the night formed the soundtrack to most of our evenings. Looking back it was an inauspicious start to our new life together, but it was all we could afford as pioneers on part-time wages. In fact we couldn’t afford even that, because we soon started to slide into debt.
The call to elderhood, and the anti-climax
In April 2008 I was thrilled to be appointed as an elder. I felt as though I could finally put my MTS training to full use, and take a more active role in helping people. I already loved giving talks, but it was the shepherding side that I was really looking forward to. I was anxious to help people with their problems in any way I could.
But it wasn’t long before reality started to sink in, and I began to see what being an elder was really all about. I soon discovered that elder bodies are intensely political, easily manipulated by strong personalities, and that elders are most definitely not appointed by holy spirit as Watchtower so often claims.
Our congregation had a particularly thuggish Presiding Overseer (now known as a Coordinator) who seemed to delight in bullying the brothers and making their lives miserable. He would think nothing of counselling a brother who bought a new Range Rover on being too materialistic, or imposing arbitrary rules on a teenage boy not to socialize with a young sister he liked.
When I did my best to correct this bully elder’s overbearing behavior in the only way I could think of, I was chastised for going about it in the wrong manner. I was kept as an elder, but stripped of certain privileges, including my pioneer status.
My wife also had her pioneer status removed at this time, even though she had nothing to do with my elder issues. I was told that, since both of us had been failing to meet our hour requirement, I was to break the news to my wife that she too was no longer a pioneer.
And so, after eight years of selfless full-time service for the organization in two different countries, my wife was unceremoniously sacked as a pioneer through her husband without so much as a “thank you.”
My lowest point
But these troubles were soon to pale into insignificance when my wife made a heartbreaking discovery. She learned that, though I hadn’t cheated on her, I had been fraternizing with girls on the internet in ways that I shouldn’t have done as a married man. I had a big issue with cyber sex and pornography, which I had developed as a teenager, and which remained with me even into my marriage.
I am not proud of my actions, and to this day I grimace at what I put my wife through. She has never been anything but loyal and loving, and it saddens me that I hurt her by betraying her trust so early in our marriage.
I also feel it was hypocritical of me to accept an appointment as an elder with the aim of helping others and offering spiritual guidance when I had so many issues of my own to contend with. I was living a double life and being dishonest with people.
Even so, I can’t help but consider these actions to be very much a by-product of sexual repression in my formative years. In particular, I think of the difficulties I had in finding a marriage partner from a narrow pool of Witness girls, and the unscriptural Watchtower injunctions designed to induce guilt over masturbation.
Of course, I accept responsibility for my actions and I do not blame Watchtower for everything. After all, plenty of Witnesses seem to develop into well-balanced adults without these problems.
But my wife and I both now realise that sexual repression in my upbringing was a major factor. It forced me into finding ways of satisfying my natural sexual urges as a virgin without intercourse so as to remain “morally clean,” and this led to an unhealthy dependency on the internet and pornography.
Once my wife discovered my problem we had a number of emotional exchanges. Decisions needed to be made. My first instinct was to sweep things under the rug and work things out between us, but in the end I decided to stand down as an elder and move back to the congregation I had grown up in to receive discipline.
Apart from anything else I knew I wouldn’t get a fair trial from the bully elder, who would doubtless want to make sure I suffered further for daring to question him. This matter involved my wife and I, and not him – so I chose to receive my punishment from elders I felt I could rely on to be impartial.
I wrote an exhaustive confession in a letter and posted it through the letter box of my new Coordinator. Before long I was summoned to a Judicial Committee and made to relive everything I had done in excruciating detail, despite my signed confession which had already explained everything.
At one point I remember being reduced to tears. By the end of it all, it was decided that I should be reproved and not disfellowshipped. However, my reproof was to be publicly announced both in my new and former congregations to make it clear that I had done wrong during my time as an elder.
A fresh start
Around this time my wife and I agreed that we needed a fresh start, so we decided to move to live with her parents in Croatia. Our years spent pioneering had left us with very little money and a mountain of debt, but we at least had an opportunity to build an apartment for ourselves without worrying about rent or mortgage payments.
And so we packed up our belongings and made the move across Europe to Croatia in the summer of 2009. At the time I recall being determined to restore my spirituality, and maybe even work my way back to serving as an elder again eventually.
For the first few months in my new congregation I continued under the restrictions from my reproof in the UK, meaning that I couldn’t answer up at meetings or participate in any talks on the Theocratic Ministry School.
I was reduced to being a mere observer at meetings that I could scarcely understand due to the language barrier. I knew a few words of Croatian, but certainly not enough to follow closely what was being said.
Before long, something unexpected happened. My identity as a Witness disintegrated as I could feel myself being unplugged from the indoctrination. For the first time I began to ask myself, “What do I truly believe?”
I recalled my doubts about the Daniel book from when I was 20. I found I was able to add a number of other issues and teachings that I could no longer agree with. Eventually I sat down and wrote a list of nine “grievances.” When I looked at the list, it was obvious to me that I was now only a Witness in name only. There were just too many things wrong with the organization for it to be the “truth.”
Eventually my restrictions were lifted and I began giving Bible readings in Croatian on the school meetings. Elders would give me encouragement, leaving me with the impression that I would be re-appointed before too long if I just put forth a little effort. But by this time it was too late. I was already waking up.
Then one day in May 2011, after pouring out my feelings to my wife, I decided to declare myself inactive. I felt I needed to let my Dad know of my decision by telephone. I recall him being heartbroken. I broke down in tears once I had finished talking to him. No son relishes the idea of being viewed as a failure by his father.
I wrote a letter to my elders briefly explaining my reasons for being inactive. In hindsight, I realise that my elders could have very easily taken this as a letter of disassociation and severed me from the organization there and then, but for some reason they didn’t want to do this. At least, not to begin with.
Stalling the inquisition
Two elders visited and we had a long and tearful discussion. I explained that I would still be attending memorials each year (to keep my family happy, in my mind) but that I could no longer go preaching when I had so many doubts. They chose to respect this, so I assumed that would be the end of it.
Around this time a new elder joined our congregation from Zagreb bethel, and he soon learned of my inactivity. He decided he didn’t like the way things had been handled, and convinced himself that there must be more to my decision than I was letting on.
This elder pulled my wife to one side at the end of one meeting and interrogated her in the back room, asking questions about my behavior and quizzing her as to our business affairs. My wife and I run a small business, and he and others had come up with a theory that I was staying on as a Witness just so I could exploit Witnesses when handing out work.
All of this happened at roughly the time I finished reading Crisis of Conscience and learned of the 1980 witch hunt against the likes of Raymond Franz and Nestor Kuilan. It felt very much like my elders had me in their sights in the same way, and were determined to disfellowship me on any pretext – real or imagined. All they needed now was a chance to grill me for information having failed to get anything from my wife.
I received a phone call from an elder asking to arrange a visit, but I told him in no uncertain terms that they had broken the rules by interrogating my wife without me being present, and I would therefore not be cooperating with any attempts to offer me “help” until I received a full apology.
Predictably the apology never came, and I was finally left alone. If there was one thing I knew I could rely on, it was the pride of elders and their tendency to deny doing anything wrong. This uneasy stand-off gave me the freedom I needed to explore my new reality without being immediately separated from my family.
The birth of JWsurvey
As things settled and I grew accustomed to my new life as a “fader” I continued to trawl the internet for information. JWfacts.com in particular was a real eye-opener. It was on Paul Grundy’s site that I learned of the UN/NGO scandal, Rutherford’s letter to Hitler, and the Mexico/Malawi scandal. Barbara Anderson’s website also informed me on the complexities of the child abuse issue, and how Watchtower is causing real harm in that regard. Everything began to fall into place.
The more I learned, the more I wanted to share. I was also curious as to how many others like me were out there. I began thinking of ways to poll such ones for their opinions so that people could see at a glance what the consensus was among thinking Witnesses.
Then one day I proposed setting up a survey of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and I began experimenting with ways of making this a reality. I thought it would cost a lot of money to set up, but an Ex-JW web developer and writer called John Hoyle came to my rescue completely out of the blue. He contacted me and essentially said, “If you want I can build you a website that can host your survey, and you won’t need to pay me anything for it.”
At first I thought it was impossible for a complete stranger to be so kind and make such an offer with no thought of payment, but I figured I had nothing to lose in accepting. Before long, JWsurvey.org was launched. The rest, as they say, is history.
A reason to take a stand
Fast forward two years or so, and yesterday I found myself attending a hospital appointment with my wife, who is three months into her pregnancy. This was our first opportunity to see our first baby in the womb by means of an ultrasound.
As the grainy images came up on the screen, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I could see our baby’s heart pumping in its chest. I could see its legs folded buddha-like beneath it. I could even see its fingers as its hands were raised almost covering its alien-like face.
The thought occurred to me, “I will love this person unconditionally its whole life, no matter what it thinks, says or does. I will never allow myself to be separated from it, no matter what happens.”
Unlike me, this child will be taught only proven facts – not religious dogma designed to reinforce the unquestioned control of an elite group of deluded theocrats who insulate themselves from even the mildest criticism.
There will be no “Armageddon drills.” There will be no fear, guilt, or paranoia. There will be only love and acceptance. My child will have all the opportunities I never had as a youngster – including the chance to build a life for itself doing and believing whatever it chooses, with my support.
Yes, my Witness family is bitterly disappointed in me. Yes, they view me as a traitor. But there is nothing I can do about that other than to build my own family, free of such rifts and divisions. Though this is proving traumatic for me, I cannot live the rest of my life bending over backwards to conform to the expectations of my indoctrinated forebears.
They may prefer for me to remain inactive, trapped in some sadistic vow of silence so that the mother organization can continue to wreak havoc undisturbed. But I refuse to tacitly bend my knee to Watchtower for a moment longer. A stand must be taken. A line must be drawn.
After all these articles it is high time for me to talk with my feet – especially with my child’s future at stake. Yes, fading is a great option if you can stay quiet and pull it off, and I support those who handle matters in that way. But if you are an activist like myself with something to say about Watchtower and the means to say it, you will find it increasingly difficult to keep it going for too long before something has to give.
The journey continues
I know many of you reading my story will be disappointed at my personal failings, but please understand that I am only human and never set myself up as a role model or spiritual guru for anyone. I am interested only in exposing the scandals and falsehoods of an organization that claims to represent God as honestly and journalistically as possible.
I have not the faintest interest in drawing off followers, preaching alternative doctrines or telling people how to live their lives. I am interested only in revealing the truth about Watchtower, and I feel my experiences within the organization, both good and bad, put me in a great position to do this.
Nothing I write should be considered as beyond question – in fact I am happy to receive criticisms and make changes to articles if needed. I am committed to using my energies to join with other more seasoned campaigners in informing the world about what I view as a damaging cult, which I see tearing my own family apart and threatening countless others.
To all those who have sent messages of support and solidarity over the past few days via Facebook and email, I give my heartfelt gratitude. It is not easy to make this stand. I have shed more than a few tears, but I know what I am doing is right.
By going through this pain now I am sparing future generations from the same problems. I want to give my child a life free from fear and indoctrination, with the opportunity to explore this amazing thing called life without the shackles of ignorance and servitude. I can think of no finer legacy to pass on.
*Miroslav has recently been disfellowshipped for apostasy. On his facebook profile, he identifies himself as a follower of the Bible Students.
Translations: Romanian | …
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Hi Cedars,
I have been reading your blog for a bit now. You and I have a similar back ground, and are close in age. I have faced struggles similar to some of yours.
I too was baptized before I was a teen. The end was supposed to come at any second back then, and I wanted to make it through. So now when we’re told the end could be sooner than we think, excluding time travel, for me that is physically impossible. I too remember great disappointment at the Daniel book, though for me it was because I was having difficulty with 1914, but I never discussed it with anyone. After all, I was never supposed to get out of elementary school, but had just graduated with a degree from a decent university. The explanation of why Daniel 4 could be used to determine the so-called appointed times of the nations seemed ridiculous to me. But, like a good JW, I waited on Jehovah, yet again. I also immersed myself in the work, thinking I was serving Jehovah. I pioneered for a bit, and was appointed as a servant. I worked my way to getting appointed as an elder.
As an elder, I too wanted to help people, but often found myself trying to protect the flock from some of the shepherds. Eventually I became the coordinator of the body, despite being the least experienced brother on the body. I did not want that job, but took it thinking I was doing what Jehovah wanted.
While I was CBOE, I tried to do things the Society’s way, and the loving way (is that possible?). But some brothers just wanted to micro-manage the sheep and impose their own rules and opinions, and were anything but loving. I did not enjoy serving on that body.
Several things caused me to finally stop “waiting on Jehovah”, and investigate my doubts, including the dubious “overlapping generation” explanation. Realizing that letting the scriptures interpret themselves (2Pe 1:20,21) didn’t seem important for explanations, I decided to see what the scriptures really said, and what others said about them.
1914 fell pretty quick, thanks to simple logic and in no small part to Carl O Jonsson’s excellent book, which also helped me to realize the implications. Ray Franz’s two books also were quite insightful. It looked to me that the GB of the late 70s worked like the body of elders I was on, despite my best efforts. Suddenly, everything clicked. I realized why a number of those in power sought only prominence, though there are a number of excellent, honest-hearted people in the organization, even in leadership positions.
I’m currently considering major changes, and thus must remain silent about who I am. However, I applaud you and thank you for your site. It has helped me as I have come to some extremely painful realizations.
John and Wife,
As I read your story, I am amazed at how many of us have such similar stories. I too am considered “inactive.” Like you, trying to talk with my family has been futile. You cant reason with people that have been brainwashed into viewing you as nothing more than an “apostate,” all of their reasoning abilities go out of the window…along with their willingness to hear anything you have to say. Ive not been “disfellowshipped” because I refuse to cooperate with a group of men whose only purpose in coming to my home, was to “get a decision from me…did I want to be a witness or not.” and officially be able to kick me out. It took so much courage to do what you did, and noone in your family will even acknowledge that. You’ll find yourselves constantly having to rethink, and reprogramming yourselves. Its been years for me, and I still struggle with this sometimes. It will get easier for you. Thank You for sharing your story, I know what it must have taken.
K-360’s comment makes an interesting point. A non believer in the JW bullshit, but who still, presumably, makes up the big numbers that the outfit likes to claim as its own. Just what percentage of JWs are now non believers, who simply string along for the sake of family unity?
Congrats, Now I understand the friction from our conversations about masturbation and not leaving the JWs completely. I just hope that somehow our conversations helped you to make these great decisions. We are having our firstborn too, which has created similar feelings in my wife and I. Nothing will seperate us from our daughter. I still would suggest you read Early Church Fathers, you will love it. There is freedom and religion together. Peace
I read your story with tears in my eyes. We’re very proud of you and the humility you show. You are only human but have shown incredible strength in standing up to what you believe in your heart. You are truly blessed to have your wife’s support and understanding. May God bless you both. We look forward to your book and your articles that help us see through the deception of the Tower.
Thanks to all for the kind comments. Much soul-searching went into writing this article but I feel it’s worth it. More than anything I am glad to be free, and proud to be sharing this struggle with you all.
It’s there loss, not yours. I am not disfellowshipped, but should have been. I have been out for years. Raised a witness, both sides of family are witnesses. I am the black sheep of the family, but I am free, free, free. Last February I started going to a Lutheran church. It all started from going to a funeral there. I instantly felt the love and what a refreshing change to worship with people that wanted to be there out of love for God and not a fear of armageddon. I find it’s interesting that my prayers were never answered when I was a JW, but as soon as I left my prayers would almost instantly get answered about everything. From little to big. But that’s just me and my story. I am closer to my Heavenly Father now then I ever was before and I know it’s because I am putting Jesus FIRST not placing him as a cog in the machine and “less than” as the J-dubs do.
Amen brother !
“Nothing I write should be considered as beyond question – in fact I am happy to receive criticisms and make changes to articles if needed. I am committed to using my energies to join with other more seasoned campaigners in informing the world about what I view as a damaging cult, which I see tearing my own family apart and threatening countless others”
I couldn’t have said it better!
The Watchtower Society has vested so much time and effort in attempting to dig up dirt and sling mud and outright slander myself and so many others as if any of it will or would, could ever detract from the crimes and horrendous acts that they themselves are guilty of!
I am so happy for you and your beautiful, gracious wife! I so enjoyed meeting you both. How wonderful and a type of further healing you will have with your child, raising your child in ‘freedom of heart and mind.’ It is wonderful to see ones breaking the bonds of the GB, who most never had children, and only teach ‘conditional’ love, and don’t have a reality clue for children.
I know you will be able to help so many as they too, come to their crisis of conscience, which leads to accepting the reality of our lives and our future. This helps us to actually love more and have joy more and actually to find more ‘inner peace.’
So many best wishes for you both and watching your real next generation grow and develop.
Well your family may feel disappointment, but I feel overwhelming admiration and gratitude that you have followed the path you did. What an amazing story, and an encouraging example.
I wish you and your wife the absolute best for your growing family.
John and Wife,
Congratulation for your future baby!!
You did a great job telling us your experience. I would like to share my experience too. I think that it will encourage you as your experience did to me. Please, answer to my email if you are interested.
Regards.
Luis
I didn’t know elders still came around asking those inactive whether they wanted to “be one or not,” probably since not one of them has come knocking at my door in the past 15 years.
Congrats Cedar. Trust in yourself and the truth was revealed. I have freedom to this day from this belief system. I am glad your eyes were awaken to the truth. The truth we were taught was lies and misconceptions passed down by generations of false teachings. The trials of being a witness has made me a stronger person today. I survived the Watchtower Prison Society and served my time. I am proud of you as you have touched my life and helped me heal these last few years. Thanks your the epitome of a true friend.
After breaking from the organization, the joy of being free grows every day. The first few months – yes, maybe the first years – will be the toughest. But every day will bring you insights and new strength that will prove to you, Cedars, that you made the right decision – not only for you and your wife – but more importantly for your child and future children.
Knowing that your child will be allowed to enjoy his or her youth, make friends, read all kinds of books, travel to locations around the world, and be able do all of this and so much more without facing someone else’s criticisms – that will be your greatest gift and joy as a parent.
I can not imagine a more horrible situation than having my own children and grandchildren being caught up in the Watchtower’s cult behavior. But my ex-wife and I made our individual decisions to leave when we were about your age and our children were exposed to the WT lifestyle for only a few years while they were very young. Because we left when we did, my three daughters and six grandchildren have all had the freedom to enjoy their youth and lives.
My other family members who chose to stay connected to the Witnesses have all, without exception, suffered dearly for their choices. Some have been disfellowshipped and reinstated multiple times.
You have to know how much I love you and your beautiful wife. My wife (never a JW) and I send you both our best wishes and hope that whatever pain and frustration you might face over the next few months will pass quickly and leave few scars. More importantly, we wish that your children, like mine, will never experience the agony of losing connection with parents and siblings because the leaders of a false cult religion says that “Jehovah will be sad” if they don’t toe the line and believe their bullshit without question.
Cedars, thank you for coming out of the “closet” so to speak. I am ecstatic for you!! Your bravery is an impetus to all of us who have not affirmed the decision to officially break free from this dangerous cult. I saw KotheRAD’s coming out on JW.net not too long ago also, very encouraging. I read your blog about child baptism a few weeks back, and couldn’t even post a comment – I was 10 when they dunked me – and the raw emotion you encompassed with that article brought me to tears in the middle of the street as I read it from my phone. You really write in such, not only a thought provoking way, but a way that covers every emotion we all who have come to the realization of TTAT while being stuck inside have gone through.
You have an amazing gift for the pen, or should I say mouse. And your website, I would rank as one of the top in helping a JW wake up or confront why they have doubts in the first place.
To read that you were an elder and they punished your wife as well – this all to commonly happens to JW families. The 21st century pharisaic elders play sadistic with one’s spirituality. It is one of the foremost reasons a JW starts having doubts – not because of the ever changing teachings – but seeing the the lack of love in the hall and the crystal clear politics the elders play.
Thank you so much for telling your story, private details included. You will help so many more who cross this website.
Blessings to you and your wife and your growing family.
LightFly2013
John,
Candace and I care about you unconditionally, and as you can see hundreds of your friends and supporters stand behind you 100% regarding your decision. All the best to you, your lovely wife and your future family. The Conti Girls
@LightFly2013your comment is quite true; I left due to the horrible lack of love shown which included instructions among the body not to help me; so I helped myself by loving myself enough to leave
Congratulations Cedars.
I’m glad you came to this decision while you are still very young. There are many like myself that realized the real truth about the organization much later in life. I’ve been visiting your site for over a year and the only reason I do so is because of the rational and reasonable tone of the articles. Too many sites are just full of raging and angry comments that prompt division and not discussion. Keep up the good work and congratulations on the upcoming addition to your family.
This was an amazing, well-written story. I’ve got tears in my eyes. I am so glad you shared this, and am very happy that you are able to find freedom. We are proud of you!!
Oh! and congratulations on the baby!
No, no, no. John, please continue to write your book. We need more information, not less. I volunteer to edit it when you’re done. (That’s my job.)
I have had many similar disappointments, but they are due to imperfect humans (and some who may have positions in the organization). I’ve called a Substitute CO a ‘false brother’ for his behavior (Gal 2:4). But recall the apostle Paul had similar experiences when he said “in dangers in the city, in dangers in the wilderness, in dangers at sea, in dangers among false brothers”. I don’t think you can have an international organization of 7 million without some of these. It then comes down to which religion is preaching the Kingdom? Mormons, though preaching, do not have their message focused on the Kingdom, Jehovah’s sovereignty expressed through Jesus as the Messianic King. Which one is teaching the Bible which is able to make changes for the better in peoples hearts, and has put away weapons of war. Which one is organized to declared the good news of the Kingdom in all the inhabited earth (Matt 24:14). I keep in mind the counsel from a CO who said too many have a ‘corporate’ viewpoint of the organization. That can lead to ambition, pride, competitiveness rather than focusing the love and unity of the congregation.
‘It then comes down to which religion is preaching the Kingdom? wrote Rob.
All the sects of Christendom, including the JWs, who pretend they are not part of Christendom, are preaching the Kingdom. The Bible is so vague that there are countless takes on what the Kingdom might be.
Most of us, however, who have rejected the JWs, whether or not to go to another branch of Christendom, have done so because of the lies and cruelty of the JW cult.
With their two witness rule they encourage and shelter paedophiles. Their flip flopping diktats on blood are murderous. Both these crimes are the deliberate work of the control freaks at the top of the outfit. It is nothing to do with human frailty. Cruelty and criminality are at the heart of your cult.
This thread, anyway, is about congratulating Cedars, both on his forthcoming fatherhood, his honesty, and his persistence, despite rejection by his family, in exposing the malign and disgusting little outfit of which you Rob are a member and defender.
You have advanced no reasons whatever for anyone to want to join you as an unpaid mag. distributor for a corrupt corporation. You have given no evidence at all to substantiate the Gov. Bod’s Faithful and Discreet Slave pretensions. The reason is simple. There are no reasons for any sane person to want to sign up to your misery making outfit, and there is no evidence to support your bosses’ ridiculous claims.
Do not worry about their warnings of imminent Armageddon murder for anyone engaging with apostates. The whole Armageddon nonsense is but a tool to control you guys with fear. Here’s to your escape, Rob, and to your soon following where Cedars has led.
Rob, the real message of the Kingdom is not being extensively preached as yet, but granted in time it will be.
Well done! I left 30 years ago! So glad you are writing about your experience. It is so important that this abuse stops now, so the next generation has the opportunity for healthy relationships. I now challenge my family about their behaviour, reminding them that they are unable to show love. I can see their embarrassment, their suppressed anger. It feels like a tipping point moment now. Do not worry about being visible, they cannot hurt you or ruin your business. You will get more customers and they will be better customers who value you and your honesty!
So awesome you ‘came out’ of the closet, as it were. Great work that you are doing, and you should be very proud. I know how difficult the choice must have been, as I have also ‘graduated the witness protection program’ as I like to say when I got DF’d.
Also, there’s nothing wrong with porn if you and your wife are into it, and honestly, compared with some of us who had to deal with substance abuse, addictions and worse, you escaped this cult mostly unscathed.
Love your website, great job.
John,
There is life after the witnesses, I am living proof of that. Remarkable article, and very sad to hear of your fathers reaction. I wish you many blessings in the future with your wife and little one. keep in touch if you want.
Andy
Your honesty Cedars is why I keep coming back to read your articles, when there is honsety there is trust. Something the WT does not have.
Your human weaknesses are just that human weaknesses which we all have in one way or another, what is strong about you is your being honest with yourself, and unlike the WT make no excuses for any of your failings, which is something you can put behind you.
Congratulations to you and your wife on your pregnancy, and hope that all goes well and your extended JW family sadly are trapped in their own world of ignorance, they will miss out and that is something that must pain you, the JW have this cutting of in their minds about family members that leave as if they are leaving God and that helps them with their conscience of shunning, sadly they would prefer to have a pedophile in their ranks (so called repentant) and silenced, than anyone that does not agree with the GB no matter how wrong they are, its called idoltry and its rotten and blinding.
Keep strong and thanks for your inspiring letter!!
Dearest John,
I am happy and sad for you. I know how hard it is when families shun you and do not even want to hear your reasons for leaving.
We left in 1983 and were disfellowshipped for “apostasy” in 1984. Like you, it was not in our nature to fade. My niece pleaded with me to “just go to the meetings and read the Bible or something”, but I could not do that. I could not do this. It seemed hypocritical to me. I know some can do it, but I could not. I do not condemn those who have faded successfully, it just was not me.
We lost our son and his family when we left, but since he died in 2007, his daughters have reconnected with us after 16+ years, so we have them and their children back.
My sister and her family also stayed in the WT, but their daughter, who was never a strong witness is in our life unconditionally and supports our stand.
I have never regretted the decision to attend the judicial committee hearing. We just could not leave without telling them why and to stand up to the bullying. We appealed our disfellowshipping and the written transcript is at the bottom of our website.
I am so happy for you and your wife and you new little one on the way. I know that God will and has blessed you for you integrity!
We became members of 3 churches after we left and Joe became a pastor. After seeing the politics in each one, we left and now we are servants of our Lord and Savior, Jesus and our wonderful heavenly Father without church affiliation. Our association now is with people who have left, like you, and a couple of friends, one of whom left at the same time we did. God provides the ones who uplift and encourage us.
I believe that Jesus is coming soon and will right all the wrongs that have been committed in this world. We can trust Him.
Love and hugs to you and your family.
Gramma Velta
Thanks very much for sharing , John. A fascinating account.
Happy to hear your story! Congratulations for your decison and for your son!
I used to bet you were american… but i’m unable to dintinguish the subtleties between the language of the sons of the Queen and the sons of Obama…
Brasil
Rob, there is a difference between God’s Kingdom being preached throughout the world, which has been happening for 2,000 years and spreading lies about Christianity throughout the world, which JW’s have been doing for about 100 years. You are foolish to think Jesus ever deserted his Church and needed Charles Taze or Rutherford to set it back up. Please read Early Church Fathers. Read Saint Augustine.
Rob, are you seriously arguing that we should stay in an organisation that claims to be spirit inspired that allows these crimes to be committed and then systematically covered up? Have you even bothered to read the plethora of articles on this site detailing the deplorable institutional crimes that the WTBTS has perpetrated?
I can see that you haven’t.
Your “it’s a few bad eggs that do bad things, every organisation has those” argument is repugnant.
Remember, you are not writing to the sheep here. We have read the secret elders book. We have seen the correspondence detailing the WTBTS’ response to the despicable crime of child abuse.
The truth is that there are institutional problems in the WTBTS. They could be corrected relatively easily.
Why don’t you, as an active JW, take the survey? Why don’t you read the articles and examine your position carefully?
No, just come on here and dash out another press release kind of comment, totally out of odds with the spirit of every other contributor.
You are a sign of the success of this site. The fact that you are tasked with posting here shows that you know that your position is under threat.
I can assure you that your position will become ever more precarious. The facts about your religion are coming out. The internet has united the oppressed, and now we have the tools to rival your setup.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
The governing body could halt the shameful act of shunning. They could allow outside experts to set their child protection policy and adhere to it unconditionally.
That would be a fantastic start.
Why not ask them about these issues? They are volunteers and are there to serve you. Go on, ask them.
I will continue to provide a varying interpretation, simply to aid the just lefts that I think you are trying to get back.
If you want them back then stop shunning people. If you want them back come clean about the abhorrent child abuse cover ups, and fix your child protection policies to reflect the real world’s.
Peace be with you
Excelsior!
Cedars!
Congratulations on your new baby! Good wishes to you and your wife!
Wanted to tell you that your commitment is inspiring, just as good as your writing abilities! Keep writing!
As I disclosed with you on one of my emails, I’m still going inactive to then try and rescue my wife. Looking forward to informing all the peeps that I’m out of the borg.
Great life story! Very similar to the stories of many of us here!
Cheers,
Fred.
All the best to you and your wife. Take heart from the fact that things will only get better. Don’t abandon faith in God because of the actions of misguided people. Live better than they and they will be puzzled and maybe more will see the light. Enjoy your new life together and be there for your child(ten). I have had similar experiences to you but with the help of God’s Spirit, good counselling, (some medication) and supportive friends 3 of whom left at the same time as I, I have thrived in my new life. I still have deep regrets over the things I did and didn’t do to my children (and others) whilst a JW (elder too) but I have apologised to both of them and both accept me. Fortunately they are not JWs. My wife still is but she is a gracious lady and we get on very well. No discussion of religion tho. That far she won’t go. As Jesus said (his most stated command in fact) Fear not. Cheerio
Dear Greg:
Augustine persecuted those who did not agree with his authoritarian church. He believed in the total Christian society necessarily included the idea of a compulsory society. See pages 114-116. of the book “A History of Christianity” by Paul Johnson who is a Catholic Scholar. The book goes on to state on Page 116 that “Augustine insisted that the use of force in the pursuit of Christian unity, indeed total religious conformity was necessary, efficious and wholly justified. He not only accepted, he became the theorist of, persecution; and his defences were later to be those on which all defences of the Inquisition rested.”
Disappointed? Never my brother! I’m thrilled. Congrats on your amazing courage. I’m proud to work by your side, in your shadow as we expose the abuses of the Watchtower. This totally made my day!
I admire your honesty and humility – which could be a good example for many people. Then maybe, you would have no reasons to leave.
I hope you won’t stop searching for the truth. All the best to you and your family.
The person who stated your real name … I don’t know if he/she is a JW, but if it is, it would be quite ironical to call you out here, but ignore on the street :-)
I try not to take sides on these matters, but I can’t help but seeing the irony at times …
You can fool some of the people (JW) some of the time, you can’t fool all of the people all of the time, there are around 7 BILLION people on earth, JWs only make up .0001% of them…stick that in your pipe and smoke it!!!!
The post above was in reply to Rob…
Congratulations John Cedars on freeing yourself, and your impending parenthood.
Well done!
It’s been emotional following your journey these past couple of years. Glad you’re able to finally move on. As a non-Witness you’ve really helped me to understand the Watchtower/Witness mindset and overall situation with your calm, analytical style. Honesty, research and solid logic will always prevail. Keep up the good work!
Kind Regards,
DB
@excelsior
Shunning is entirely appropriate for those who remain in a scripturally repugnant course.
Child abuse: Ceasar’s laws must be obeyed. During the Ray Franz days there were no laws, so no one knew what to do back then. Personally, glad there is protection now since I know those affected. I can only say it is pervasive now thanks … (just my opinion) to hollywood sexed media and hormones in the food supply.
Mr Ken Oath
Satan was 2 for 2 in the Garden Eden.